


The Wild Men

by RowenaZahnrei



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Male Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 17:35:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4755107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RowenaZahnrei/pseuds/RowenaZahnrei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Data attempts to comprehend the mysteries of male bonding while on a rugged holodeck kayak trip down the Colorado River with Geordi, Worf, and O'Brien. This Season 1 story follows "Best Friends" and "Trust" as Data continues his exploration of friendship, trust, belonging, and the inscrutabilities of group dynamics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: The Next Generation or any of its fantastic characters. Please don't sue me or steal my story. Thanks! :)

NOTE: This story takes place during TNG's First Season, shortly after my earlier stories "Best Friends" and "Trust." But, like each of them, it can stand alone. 

The Wild Men

By Rowena Zahnrei

Three bridge officers stood in an otherwise empty corridor, staring at the walls, the ceiling, the carpet…anything but each other.

There was Lieutenant Worf, the first Klingon in Starfleet. Lieutenant Geordi La Forge, the ship's blind navigator and the only Starfleet officer fitted with a VISOR (Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement). And Lieutenant Commander Data: an android with origins as mysterious as the workings of his positronic brain. They were known as groundbreakers, these men, celebrated for the dubiously notable fact that all three of them had earned a footnote in Federation history just for being who and what they were. Yet, although they'd been living and working together for the better part of two weeks now, riding a hectic roller coaster of life or death challenges from the moment they'd met, they seemed unable, or unwilling, to break the awkward silence that pulsed between them.

"He's late," Worf grumbled.

Data blinked and seemed to brighten, as if Worf's complaint had been the permission to speak he'd been waiting for. He said, in a quick, eager tone, "I have been told that in informal situations, such as this, humans often allow a leeway period of five to ten minutes following the established meeting time before—"

The turbolift doors opened and Chief Petty Officer Miles O'Brien stepped out, wearing a tight black and teal wetsuit, life jacket, water shoes, gloves, and a matching helmet. He paused and stared at the gathered officers, aghast.

"Don't tell me you're going to kayak the Colorado River dressed like that!" he said, his voice revealing his Irish roots.

The three men glanced at their uniforms, then back at the chief's outlandish get-up, wearing varied expressions of bemusement.

"Ah, well, can't be helped. But, if you lot get soaked, don't come whining to me," O'Brien went on, striding past the group to activate the holodeck program.

"Well, what are you waiting for, men?" he said. "Let's go show that river who's boss!"

Worf grunted grimly, but followed O'Brien through the heavy sliding doors into the holodeck. Geordi raised an eyebrow at Data, an amused smile quirking his lips.

"This should be…interesting," he said. Then his expression grew serious. "You sure you're up for this, Data? Getting tossed down the rapids in a skinny little boat, spending the night camping out in the open…"

"Absolutely, Geordi," Data said. "Are you not looking forward to the trip?"

"Oh, sure. Sure," Geordi said, although his hesitant body language suggested the opposite. "Just…promise me one thing."

"Anything, Geordi."

"Don't let Worf cook dinner."

To Be Continued…


	2. Part Two

Part Two

"The name of the game is Adventure, men," O'Brien orated, posed like a prophet atop a large, flat rock that jutted out from the computer-simulated riverbank. Four sleek, blue fiberglass kayaks rested in a line where the water lapped against the land, each fitted with a long, black oar. The warm air hummed with the summertime buzz of cicadas, and Data's golden eyes tracked the aerial dance of a trio of holographic dragonflies as he and his companions listened to the chief's speech.

"It's gonna be Us against Nature out there," the chief said dramatically, "a chance to awaken the primitive beast that resides in each of our hearts and stare him right in the eye. Expect no pillows and soft beds tonight, men. Tonight, we sleep in the dirt. We'll have no replicated steaks for our supper. Here, we eat what we catch, a campfire our only warmth!"

Worf grunted a grunt that might have been a stifled scoff of laughter, but his grim expression never wavered.

"We've become a civilization of computer-coddled infants," the chief went on, "dependent on technology to supply all our wants and needs. This is our chance to break free of those bonds! Here we're just four men in the wild – no rules, and no maps. We go where the river takes us, tackling her challenges as they come!"

The chief paused expectantly, his arms raised in the air. After a beat, Worf and Geordi realized they were supposed to clap.

"Yeah!" Geordi hooted gamely. "You said it, Chief!"

Data wrinkled his brow.

"I do not understand," he said.

"Not now, Data," Geordi muttered, indicating he should clap too. The gesture sailed over the android's head.

"But, Geordi," Data said, appearing a little anxious. "The Chief seems to be misinformed. This river and its environs are not wild products of 'Nature,' but a simulation generated by the Enterprise computer. By engaging with this program, we are not breaking free of technology but interacting with it. In addition," he went on, turning to address the chief, who had lowered his arms and started to fidget, "as an android, I am not a product of 'Nature,' but an artificial construct. I, therefore, have within me no 'primitive beast' to awaken. If your wish is to escape technology, perhaps I should—"

Geordi cut him off before he could get too deep into his pedantic overanalysis.

"Data, stop. You're missing the point."

The android tilted his head. "Please explain."

"The chief didn't intend to make a dig against you or technology," the navigator said. "Heck, he's a technician, he specializes in technology. He's just trying to get us into spirit of the game, Data. You see, when you play an immersion game like this, you're supposed to pretend it's all real, that we're all really on Earth and a part of Nature and not on a starship, surrounded by technology. That's part of the fun – absorbing yourself in the illusion for a while."

Data raised his eyebrows, looking comically enlightened.

"Ah! Then, you are correct, Geordi. I did miss the point," he said. "My apologies, Chief. Please continue."

O'Brien shared a long-suffering look with Worf, and seemed to roll his eyes.

"Moving along…" he said, shifting back into his dramatic orator's stance.

"The river is long, men. The river is wide, and the river is fierce. If you don't keep alert out there, the river will swallow you up and just keep on flowing, as if you'd never been." 

He hopped down from his rock and took up a new stance next to the row of kayaks.

"Now this stretch of water, right here, is nice and calm, like a kid's swimming hole," he said. "If you need some time to get acquainted with your kayak, this is the place to do it. The rapids ahead won't make allowances for amateurs."

"Great..." Geordi muttered, inching hesitantly toward the nearest kayak.

"I have researched the sport of kayaking and am fully versed in proper kayak handling techniques," Data stated, reaching into his kayak and pulling out a bright orange life jacket, which he efficiently strapped over his uniform. "If you wish me to explain-"

O'Brien shook his head. 

"Adventure isn't about theory, sir, it's about direct application," he said. "Each man must learn for himself what the river has to teach him."

Worf made that snorting noise again, but his attention seemed to be fully focused on fitting his muscular self into the kayak's narrow seat.

"You OK over there, Worf?" Geordi asked, fumbling a bit with the straps to his own life jacket. Data offered to help untangle them, but Geordi waved him off.

"Fine," Worf asserted, gripping his oar and waving it through the air in graceful loops, like a Klingon bat'leth. "But, I am strongly reminded of the summer camping trips I took as a child, with my adopted father and brother. They too spoke of those excursions as a challenge. And, perhaps they were. To them."

"But not to a Klingon, eh?" O'Brien teased, already paddling around in the water.

"I didn't know you had a brother," Geordi said, struggling to keep his boots dry as he settled gingerly into his own kayak.

Worf just grunted and pushed off the rocky bank, his weight making his kayak ride low in the water...but not nearly as low as Data's.

"I keep forgetting how heavy you really are, Data," Geordi said. Unlike the others, the slight navigator couldn't quite push off the bank with his oar alone. He needed to rock and scoot the little boat through the gravelly sand before he could paddle out beside his friend. "You sure you'll be all right on the rapids?"

"The kayak appears quite sturdy, Geordi," Data said. "But, thank you for your concern. Will you be all right, with your VISOR?"

Geordi brought a hand to the device, and shrugged. "It's pretty well insulated," he said.

"All done practicing?" O'Brien called out. "Come on, men! Time to walk on the wild side!"

"But, Chief," Data said, glancing confusedly at the overgrown edge of the riverbank. "We cannot walk and kayak."

"It's an expression, sir," O'Brien told him. "It means it's time to decide: are you a man or a munchkin?"

Data blinked, looking slightly helpless.

"Man or...?"

"You were made in the image of a man, weren't you?" O'Brien said.

"Yes, but-"

"And man is an untamed beast!" the chief crowed. "Wild to the core! You've got to tap into that, Commander. Unleash your sense of adventure!"

"My...? But, Chief-"

"No, no more talk," O'Brien said. "We are men of action, out to test our manly mettle! From here on out, it's just us and the river!"

He raised his oar with a throaty roar, and clacked it against Worf's then Geordi's, both of whom offered a throaty roar in return. 

Then, they looked to Data. 

The android obligingly raised his oar and politely held it out for the group to clack. Geordi smiled and gave the proffered oar a friendly tap, but Worf and O'Brien slammed it so hard it sent Data's kayak into a slow, rocking spin.

"Roar, sir!" O'Brien cried. "You've got to roar!"

Data blinked.

"Go on, Data, roar!" Geordi cheered.

"ROAR...?" Data tried, looking amusingly earnest and hopeful.

"Eh, good enough," O'Brien said and glided to take his place at the front of the group. "All right, you mighty Colorado!" he shouted. "Let's see what you've got!"

To Be Continued...


	3. Part Three

Part Three

"Now I know why they call this the Grand Canyon," Geordi said, staring in wonder at the stratified cliffs rising up from the flowing Colorado. "This place is incredible!"

"Indeed," Data agreed, his golden eyes wide as he soaked in their surroundings. "The layered bands you see represent one of the most complete geologic columns on the planet Earth. This canyon was formed by erosion starting some seventeen million years ago, and the process has exposed rocks dating back billions of years. The Kaibab Limestone that forms the canyon's rim is approximately two hundred thirty million years old, while the Vishnu Schist at the bottom of the Inner Gorge was formed over two billion years ago."

"Impressive," Worf grunted.

"I'll say," Geordi agreed, easing his oar through the smooth, brown-tinted water. "You know, I'm really starting to enjoy this. Hey, Chief! How far do we go before we make camp?"

"It'll be a while yet, lads," O'Brien called over his shoulder. "Hear that sound?"

Data cocked his head. Presuming, with some hesitation, that the chief was not referring to the birdcalls, insect noises, and other various cries and rustles of the surrounding fauna and flora, or to the sound of the wind in the cliff caves above, he said, "It is rushing water."

"You got it, Commander," O'Brien said. 

Data looked like a kid who'd scored right on a pop quiz. 

"You probably noticed the current's been picking up," the chief continued. "That's because we're about to hit our first stretch of the Canyon's infamous whitewater rapids. Hang on to your oars, men. The ride's about to get a lot more exciting."

Worf's eyes took on a brighter sheen, but Geordi seemed to pale behind his VISOR.

"Just what I wanted to hear…" the young officer muttered to himself, his fingers clenching around his oar. "OK… Let's get this over with."

Data regarded him curiously.

"Geordi?" he inquired. "Does the prospect of navigating the rapids concern you? If so, I can assure you that you are in no danger of drowning. The Holodeck safety protocols –"

"I know all that, Data," Geordi cut him off, annoyed the android had been able to pick up on his rising anxiety. "I'm not scared. I just…don't like getting wet, that's all."

"Hm," the android responded, but he didn't look entirely convinced.

The river curved around and down a sharp bend, the water now moving noticeably faster. As the bend straightened out, a long, narrow stretch of churning, white rapids was revealed, the roiling water whooshing and splashing over and around a scattered mix of deadly-looking rocks and boulders.

"Oh, hell…" Geordi winced, but O'Brien let out a mighty whoop, raising his oar in the air.

"This is it, men!" he cried. "Follow me!"

*******

Geordi had to admit, the first stretch of rapids actually hadn't been all that bad. Even the second had been more exhilarating than truly frightening – just a short, sharp stretch between two calmer pools, where he'd had a chance to catch his breath and stretch his aching arms and back. The third, though…

The river was much deeper here, the drawing current more insidious. Geordi was finding it increasingly difficult to control his kayak, to make its course follow his will rather than the will of the river itself. He had no idea if the rising difficulty levels were part of the program, or an accurate representation of the river's actual course, but he did know he was getting very cold and very tired, and more than a little hungry. His uniform was soaked through, and the inside of his kayak, and his boots, sloshed with water.

Cruising beside and just a bit behind him, Data seemed as cool and calm as ever. His uniform and life vest had a few wet patches too but, despite the wind and splashing water, his hair remained neat and unmussed. It made Geordi wonder – not for the first time – if it was naturally like that, or if the android used some kind of super-hold product to keep the dark strands so firmly in place.

Worf and O'Brien were paddling far ahead, almost out of sight around the upcoming bend. Watching them gave Geordi the irritating suspicion that Data was holding back his own progress just to keep an eye on him.

"Hey, you don't have to slow down on my account!" he called over the pounding water. "I'm just fine back here!"

"I do not understand," Data called back. "Did you not invite me on this trip so we could share each other's company? Would that purpose not be defeated if I moved ahead?"

That took Geordi aback for a moment. But, of course, this wasn't a test of pride or strength for Data. Merely a chance to be with his friends and observe human behavior. The young navigator suddenly felt a little silly for snapping at him.

"Yeah, you're right, Data," he said. "I'm sorry I – yai – oh, oh no. Oh, shiii-i-i-i-!"

A sudden upswell caught his boat and Geordi felt himself begin to spin. He jabbed his oar into the water, trying to force himself out of the current, but the prow of his kayak knocked hard against a rock, which forced him smack! into another, then another. The harsh jolts loosened his VISOR but, before he could push it back into place, a rising wave smashed against him, tilting him frighteningly sideways as it washed the device right off his face.

All of a sudden, his world went dark, leaving him entirely adrift. He tried to listen, to follow the sound of the water as it crashed against the rocks, but he could barely tell if his oar was hitting the river or just fanning the air.

"Oh, God…" he gasped, his voice starting to rise and crack with panic. "Data! Data, are you there? Data, can you hear me!"

But, there was no response from the android. Nothing at all. Geordi was alone, as lost and helpless as a leaf caught in a swirling wind…

*******

O'Brien and Worf pulled their kayaks onto the gravelly bank, elated by their adventure. As he wrung the river water from his uniform's red sleeves, it looked like Worf was actually smiling.

"Enjoyed that, did you?" O'Brien said, tilting his kayak to drain out the mud and water that had splashed inside.

"That last stretch was most…invigorating," Worf enthused, emptying his own kayak with little effort. "But, where are the others?"

"Oh, they'll be along," O'Brien said. "Greenhorns always take it slow. But the safeties are on, and Data's back there with him, so I wouldn't worry."

Worf nodded. 

"I presume there are fish in this river?" he said. "And wild game among the trees here?"

"Oh, yeah, here," O'Brien said, and dug into the front compartment of his kayak. He pulled out a fishing pole in three parts, a bucket, a small pouch of various lures, a knife, and a miniature crossbow.

"Trout or game," he said. "Your choice."

Worf reached for the knife and crossbow. 

"I will hunt," he said. "You can sit and wait for fish."

"Will do," O'Brien said, grinning as he watched the sopping Klingon march happily off to the hunt.

He'd just gotten the pole assembled and was searching for a lure when he heard shouting, off in the distance. He looked up to see Geordi, drifting alone on the water. But, there was no sign of Data.

"Geordi!" he called out, waving his arms over his head. "Geordi, over here!"

"Chief! Oh, thank God!" Geordi called back, paddling for dear life. "Keep shouting! Let me know where you are!"

"I'm right here!" O'Brien said, still waving. "Can't you see…me…" He trailed off, a spike of concern shooting through him as he realized the young navigator wasn't wearing his VISOR. "Geordi, hang on!" he shouted. "I'm coming to guide you to the riverbank!"

The chief dove for his kayak, pushing off from the bank and paddling straight for Geordi. He hooked the blind man's kayak with his oar and pulled it close, until they were side by side.

"What happened?" he asked. "Where's Data?"

"I don't know, Chief," Geordi said, his dark face sparkling with beads of water, sweat, and tears. "I don't know! We were just talking, you know, and then, suddenly, there was this wave and… It knocked off my VISOR, and I called to Data, but he didn't answer. He didn't answer, Chief, and I keep thinking, what if he went down? What if something happened, if the river shorted him out or something – would the safeties activate for an android in distress? He was only here because of me, if he's hurt or…or worse, I—"

"Now don't…don't panic, Lieutenant," O'Brien said, hopping out of his kayak so he could haul Geordi's boat up the bank. "I'm sure the commander's just fine. Now, you just hold on to me and I'll get you to where you can dry off."

"I don't want to dry off," Geordi protested, leaning heavily on the chief's shoulder as he traced his toe up and over the kayak's curved edge. "I want to go find Data! Where's Worf? He can go back up the edge of the bank and-"

"Worf's off hunting for our supper," O'Brien said, leading him over to the broad, flat rock where he'd left his fishing equipment. "Now, you just sit here on this rock and stay put, OK? I'll take my kayak and go looking for Data."

"No, no!" Geordi shouted. "If Data's not here yet, it must mean something's wrong. We have to end the program. Right now!"

"Wait, I think I see something," the chief said, shielding his eyes from the setting sun as he peered up river.

"What?" Geordi pressed. "What is it? Is it Data?"

"It's Data's kayak," O'Brien said. "But…I don't see…"

"What's that? Do you hear that?" Geordi asked, crawling to the edge of the rock. "That splashing noise – do you hear it?"

The chief furrowed his brow, searching vainly for the source. But, all he saw was the sun's orange light glinting on the water's rippling surface.

"Data?" Geordi shouted. "Data is that you? Can you hear me, Data?"

"Geordi! I am here!"

Data's voice called out from where he stood, submerged up to his chin in the mud-brown water. Geordi almost collapsed with relief.

"I am crossing to your side of the river," the android shouted calmly. "Please wait."

O'Brien watched with some amusement as Data walked forward, his head dipping under the water's surface, then reappearing several meters later as he walked along the river's bottom and up to the bank. He emerged a dripping mess with an incongruously perfect posture: his boots waterlogged, his pale skin and golden uniform stained with mud and silt, and his dark hair hanging down around his ears in sodden clumps.

"The current was quite violent," he explained in response to the chief's barely stifled guffaw. "Despite my life jacket, I did not have enough boyancy to rise to the water's surface."

"Of course, sir," the chief said, as seriously as he could. "I'll just go fetch your kayak."

"That would be appreciated," the android said.

"Data, oh my God!" Geordi cried as the chief returned to the water, stumbling toward his friend's voice. "Oh my God, I was so worried!"

"Do not be concerned, Geordi," Data said. "I have retrieved your VISOR." 

He pressed the curved device into Geordi's hands.

"My VISOR? What the hell-?"

To Data's bewilderment, Geordi tossed it to the ground.

"Geordi-?"

"I don't care about the stupid VISOR!" he shouted. "Don't you understand? You had me scared stiff! I thought you were hurt – injured, or worse!"

Data blinked, completely taken aback. 

"I am sorry, Geordi," he said. "I did not anticipate this reaction. I merely thought—"

"What? What did you think?" Geordi yelled. "That you'd jump into the rapids - risk your life - for a stupid piece of hardware?"

"A piece of hardware that allows you to see. Is that not important to you?"

"Not nearly as important as you, you metal idiot!" Geordi snapped, and clenched his fists, turning his face to the sky as he fought to collect himself. After a moment, he reached out and grasped the android by the shoulders.

"Promise me," he said. "Promise me, Data: you will never scare me like that again."

"I promise, Geordi," Data said. "Would you like your VISOR now?"

"Gah!" Geordi exclaimed, then sighed, realizing it was hopeless to argue with him. "Yeah, all right. Thank you, Data."

"No, my friend," Data said, his voice low and sincere as he picked up the VISOR, dusted it off, and pressed the device back into Geordi's hands. "Thank you."

To Be Concluded…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References include: TNG: Descent II; National Geographic; and memories of the Travel Channel. I've never been to the Grand Canyon (yet), but I saw it from an airplane window once. Well, sort of. I desperately wanted to look, but I was too darn airsick to catch many details... Talk about a wasted opportunity. Bleh.


	4. Part Four

Part Four

Following the incident with the VISOR and the rapids, Data had returned to the river briefly to wash the worst of the mud from his face and uniform. To Geordi's amusement, the android had even used a bristly spruce twig to neatly brush his wet hair back into place. They'd sat on the rock for a while, chatting with Chief O'Brien while he fished until the two of them had dried off enough for the gravely sand to no longer stick to their hands and clothes. Then, they'd left the chief to spend the rest of the waning afternoon clearing a suitable campsite, collecting wood and stones, and building the cooking fire while Worf prowled the cliffs for game.

"We must stack the wood in such a way to promote even oxygen flow," Data said as the pair worked to construct a makeshift fire pit out of smooth river rocks and rougher, reddish stones they'd found closer to the canyon walls. "It is more important for a cooking fire to retain heat than give off large flames."

"Hey, Data, how did you get so good at this," Geordi asked, pausing a moment to wipe his brow. "Scouting out the most sheltered location for the campsite, foraging around for the right kind of wood and tinder, fixing up this fire pit… I thought you said you'd never been camping before."

"I have not," Data said. "I did extensive research on the subject of camping and camping traditions after your invitation but, regarding most of the activities you mentioned, I have primarily been drawing on information I learned during an emergency survival course I once elected to take at the academy."

Geordi frowned.

"But, surely, you wouldn't need a survival course. You don't need food or shelter, or even air to function." He shot an uncomfortable glance at the river. "Isn't that right?"

Data tilted his head in acknowledgement.

"That is true," he said. "My specifications indicate I could remain operational for extended periods in a vacuum – perhaps for years. But I knew any companions I would have on a potential away mission would require those things. And, although my power cells are self-charging, I am occasionally obliged to ingest nutrients to replenish the organic components of my nutritive fluids, and to keep my systems running at optimal levels."

"So, you do need to eat," Geordi said.

"Not as such," Data said. "If necessary, I can operate without my nutritive fluids or, in fact, any of my organic components. Just not at peak efficiency."

"And what does that mean?"

"I am not entirely certain," Data said, seeming mildly uncomfortable. "I have never attempted to operate in that way. But, without those fluids supplying energy, and other requirements, to my systems, power would have to be rerouted from my primary power cells to compensate. The resulting drain would oblige me to periodically pause whatever work I was doing and wait for my power cells to regenerate before continuing."

"So, in other words, if you don't eat now and then, you'd get tired and need to rest," Geordi said, and smiled. "Is that it?"

Data averted his gaze slightly.

"I would not word it quite that way."

"Why not?" Geordi said. "You know, Data, the more I learn about you, the more it seems to me your creators, whoever they were, really were doing their best to mimic every aspect of the human form. I mean, you have pretty much everything we do, from functioning digestive and respiratory systems to unique fingerprints and hair that actually grows… Do you ever wonder why?"

Data's golden eyes took on a distant, slightly bleak look.

"Yes, Geordi. I do. But, as it is likely we will never know, perhaps it would be best to turn our attention to building the cooking fire."

Geordi regarded him for a moment, then nodded, accepting the change of subject.

"Yeah, OK, Data. Which of these piles of wood is for the fire again?"

"The Prosopis glandulosa," Data told him, and pointed. "Commonly known as honey mesquite. That is the wood for the cooking fire."

"And this other pile, with the leaves?"

"Those are Juglands major branches, also known as the Arizona Walnut. I thought the leaves could be useful to wrap the meat and fish for our supper, and the wood could be used to keep the fire burning through the night."

"I like the way you think, my friend," Geordi said, and clapped a hand on the android's shoulder, using it to push himself to his feet. "I'll lug the wood, you do the breaking and stacking."

*******

Buzzing cicadas had given way to chirping crickets before Worf returned with his quarry: four plump wild rabbits, expertly cleaned and prepared and already threaded on a long, straight stick, ready for the fire.

"Hey, that's great, Worf," Geordi said, looking relieved. "I was a little worried you'd bring them back with, you know… The heads and fur and everything…"

"So human," Worf grunted as he jammed two Y-shaped sticks into the dirt on either side of the fire pit. "I do not understand this ridiculous human aversion to acknowledging that the animal you are eating is an animal. I suppose you will insist the chief remove the heads from your fish as well."

"Well, yeah," Geordi said, fighting to restrain a shudder. "I mean, who wants their dinner looking back at them from the plate?"

Worf grunted again, and balanced the meat-laden stick on his make-shift spit. Satisfied it was stable, he removed the stick and brought it to the sun-bleached fallen tree trunk they'd been using as a table. He decided against telling the group what he had done with the animals' blood and innards. Klingon hunting rituals were clearly too much for human sensibilities to accept.

"All right lads, time to light the fire," O'Brien announced, heading over to the campsite lugging his bucket of fresh, cleaned fish. "Don't worry, Worf," he called in response to the look the Klingon shot at the bucket. "I saved the heads if you want 'em. I remember you saying they were the best part."

Geordi wrinkled his nose, but Worf bared his teeth in what the young navigator hoped was a grin.

"So, how do we want to do this," O'Brien asked, indicating the firewood and tinder Data had stacked in the fire pit. "Friction, flint and steel, emergency phaser?"

Data held up a finger.

"One moment."

As the group watched, Data sat beside the fire pit and rolled up his left trouser leg. Geordi gasped to see a long, weeping gash on the android's leg – a gash that seemed to be radiating heat.

"Oh my God, Data!" he said. "Why didn't you say you were injured? Did that happen when you jumped in the rapids?"

"Yes. But, please do not be concerned, Geordi. I assure you, it does not hurt," the android said.

"Still…" Geordi started, then frowned in confusion as Data pressed several specific pressure points just under his knee. There was a peculiar, mechanical noise, and Data's lower leg came away in his hand.

"Holy…!" Geordi gasped. "Data, what the hell?!"

Data pressed his thumbs against the gash, and a stream of river water poured out, along with some yellowish fluids. Geordi looked ill, but Worf and O'Brien watched in fascination as Data pulled and stretched the torn synthoskin until he'd revealed a sparking circuit near the back of his shin. He held his detached leg over the tinder until the sparks caught, then gently blew on the fluffy pile of pine needles and shredded bark until it burst into flame. He fed the infant fire a few twigs, then sticks, then sat back, a mild look of satisfaction on his face as their cooking fire began to burn and crackle.

"Neat trick, sir," O'Brien said, and grinned. "I'd follow you on a survival course."

But, Geordi shook his head, thoroughly nauseated.

"That was gross, Data!" he said. "Gross! What made you think of doing that?"

"Was it not…a 'manly feat'?" Data asked, his brief look of pride quickly morphing to anxiety.

"What, taking off your leg and using it to light the fire?!" Geordi exclaimed.

"Seems pretty manly to me," O'Brien said. "Especially when put like that. What do you think, Worf?"

"Very macho," the Klingon deadpanned, and walked back to his rabbits.

"Geordi?" Data asked.

The navigator threw up his hands, but he found he was smiling despite himself.

"Sure," he said. "Sure, Data. I'll admit, it was very tough and macho of you to light the fire with your injured leg. But, can you…" he gestured awkwardly to the leg in Data's hand. "Put it back…?"

"Does it bother you that I detached my lower leg?" Data asked.

"Yes!"

"But, why? There is no blood or muscle or bone. Merely a metal frame over which a synthetic mesh of—"

"It's your leg, Data!" Geordi spelled out. "It belongs under your knee, not in your hand!"

"Curious," Data said. "Would you feel this way if I did not wear a humanoid form? If, rather than a leg, I had removed a wheel, or a miniature antigrav unit?"

"Of course I would!" Geordi said, and meant it. "You're my friend, Data, and a conscious, thinking being! It doesn't matter if you look like a human or a shuttlecraft! I don't like to see you…in pieces."

"Hm!" Data said, his eyebrows raised. "Then, I shall enact the basic repair immediately."

"Need any help?" Geordi asked, intrigued by the technology despite his discomfort.

"Thank you, Geordi," Data said, "but all I need do is cut power to the defective circuit – thusly – and reattach the leg," which he did with smooth, efficient movements. In less than a minute, his leg was restored, and he stood.

"What about that gash?" Geordi asked. "It looks pretty nasty."

"Dr. Crusher can repair the torn synthoskin," Data assured him. "You need not worry about me, Geordi."

Geordi chuckled.

"It's my job to worry about you, Data," he said. "That's what friends do. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Let's go help the chief and Worf get that food ready before I pass out!"

*******

Both Worf and Chief O'Brien were familiar with native Earth flora, and both had collected a good amount of edible wild plants along with the trout and wild rabbit they'd caught for their supper. O'Brien stuffed the river trout with summer cilantro and dandelion leaves before wrapping them in Data's walnut leaves and placing them on the hot coals of the cooking fire. Worf pounded wild rocket mustard and garlic into a thick green paste and coated the meat before returning it to the spit over Data's hot, low-burning cooking fire. Data turned the spit while O'Brien washed the dirt off several handfuls of knobbly Jerusalem artichoke tubers, then shoved them into the coals with another stick.

"Oh, the smell of that mesquite!" Geordi moaned, unable to keep his mouth from watering. "I don't know how much longer I can stand the wait!"

"Maybe this will help," O'Brien said, returning to the river bank and pulling a waterproof bag out of the water.

"What's that?" Geordi asked.

"Our reward," O'Brien said, and grinned. "We all faced the river down like men, today. Now it's time to celebrate!"

He set the bag down between Worf and Geordi and opened it wide, to reveal cans and cans of—

"Beer!" Geordi exclaimed. "Oh, and it's cold! Chief, you're a life saver! What a brilliant idea, keeping it in the water like that!"

"Lieutenant, this is better than beer," O'Brien corrected. "This is Irish Guinness!"

Worf grunted, but caught the can O'Brien tossed him. He popped the top and took a long, long…long, long swig.

O'Brien and Geordi shared an amused look, wondering if he'd drain the whole can.

"Ahhh!" Worf sighed at last, crunching the can in one hand and wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "Not bad," he said. "For an Earth beverage."

O'Brien and Geordi laughed, and tossed the Klingon another can of the Irish stout.

"Hey, Data, you want one?" Geordi asked.

"No, thank you," the android replied, his focus on his cooking.

"More for us!" O'Brien said with a grin. "Through the teeth and over the gums, look out gizzard here it comes!" he recited, and took a swallow from his own can. 

Geordi chuckled, and followed suit.

"I believe the food is done," Data announced, removing the spit from the sweet-smelling fire and bringing it to the fallen, sun-bleached tree trunk they'd been using as a table.

"Yes!" Geordi crowed eagerly. "I am absolutely ravenous! Here, let me help!"

Geordi set his stout down on a rock, then hurried to collect the tubers from the fire. They had softened nicely, and gave off a sweet, nutty smell that made his stomach rumble. The navigator brought them to Data, who peeled them and pounded them lightly with some more garlic and spring cilantro. Geordi watched happily as the android portioned the meat, fish, and vegetables out onto flat rocks Geordi had claimed for plates while they'd been building the fire pit, then scrubbed clean in the river with spruce bristles.

"Don't forget yourself, Data," the navigator said. "We're not going to eat unless you do too."

Data cocked his head. 

"Very well, Geordi," he said. 

Soon, four meticulously evenly distributed portions were on the plates, each rustically garnished with green summer cilantro and yellow mustard flowers. Geordi hurried to hand them out and the hungry men fell to, eating with their fingers and wiping the grease on patches of coarse grass, or on their sleeves.

When the food was gone, Worf swigged back the last of his Guinness and released a hearty, Klingon belch. Geordi laughed until he burped too. 

"Oh, excuse me," he said, and kept laughing, feeling full and a little silly after his second can of Guinness.

O'Brien reached deep within himself, and let loose with a low, rumbling belch to rival Worf's. The Klingon gave him an acknowledging nod.

Data regarded the men in utter bewilderment.

"Is this practice of expelling gas a camping tradition?" he asked. "If so, I am afraid I did not come across it in my research."

"Nah, that's nothin'," O'Brien said, and strode back to his waterproof bag. "Now, this is a camping tradition!"

He held up a smaller, silvery bag and brought it to the curious group. As they watched, he pulled out sachets containing graham crackers, marshmallows, and bars of milk chocolate.

"S'mores!" Geordi cheered. "First the Guinness, now this. Chief, you really did think of everything!"

"Grab a stick, everyone!" the chief said, and ripped open the sachets. "I've got plenty for all of us!"

*******

Data finished stacking walnut branches over the embers of the cooking fire, arranging them in a loosely layered cone shape. Once he was satisfied with the height and brightness of the flames, he returned to the clear, flat space where the rest of the group had settled down to swap manly tales before going to sleep.

"And that is why I would require a Klingon mate," Worf was saying. "Most human women would not have the endurance. They are…too fragile."

"I'd say that goes for human men too, if Klingon females are anything like the males," O'Brien said wryly.

"If anything," Worf said, "the females are even more…voracious."

O'Brien winced theatrically and shared an amused look with Geordi.

"What about it, La Forge?" he asked. "Think you could handle a Klingon lover?"

Geordi shook his head, and smiled.

"Man, I'd be lucky if I could get a human woman to give me a second look," he said. "You know, since transferring to the Enterprise I've only managed to snag one date? Cute little Ensign from Stellar Cartography."

"What happened?" Data asked.

Geordi shrugged, suddenly looking a little sorry he'd brought it up.

"Oh, she spotted an old academy friend while we were having dinner in Ten Forward. Went over – 'just to say hi' she said – and didn't come back."

"Ooh, harsh," O'Brien said sympathetically, and shook his head. 

Worf grunted and picked his teeth with a pine twig.

"Eh," Geordi said. "She wasn't my type anyway. Too flighty. What about you, Chief? Any luck with the ladies?"

"Well…"

Geordi's VISOR picked up a flush of heat rising in the chief's face.

"Chief, are you blushing?" he teased.

"What? No, of course not!" O'Brien said defensively.

"The VISOR doesn't lie," Geordi said, tapping the device with his finger. "Come on, O'Brien, give. Who is she?"

"No one! There's no one," he protested. "Although…"

The chief sighed and let his shoulders sag.

"OK," he said. "There is someone. Sort of. A lovely Japanese flower I spied in the arboretum. Civilian. I think she works there. But, a woman like that wouldn't look at a big oaf like me," he hastened to add. "I doubt she even knows I exist."

"Did you not introduce yourself to her?" Data asked.

"What would be the point? She's way out of my league, and I know it."

Data wrinkled his brow.

"I do not understand," he said. "You cannot know if your attraction is reciprocated if you do not communicate your feelings."

"Oh, and I suppose you know all about it," O'Brien snapped, his defensiveness and embarrassment starting to spark into anger. "After all, you're an expert on everything else, why not on women too?"

Data blinked.

"I did not claim any expertise on the subject, or your specific case," he said mildly. "I merely observed that—"

"Look, enough, OK?" the chief said irritably. "The last thing I need is dating advice from an android. I'd bet real money you've never even been with a woman!"

Now, it was Geordi's turn to get defensive.

"Come on, Chief, that's not fair," he started, but Data interceded quickly to diffuse the argument.

"Such a bet would be ill advised," he told them.

Geordi had opened his mouth to say something, but at Data's softly spoken pronouncement the words faded and his jaw dropped. Slowly, a smile crept over his face.

"Really?" he said.

Data raised his eyebrows and nodded.

"Wait, you have a girl?" O'Brien said, and lifted his eyes to the heavens. "That's all my ego needed to hear. Who is she? Is she on this ship?"

"A gentleman does not kiss and tell," Data quoted politely.

"Don't give us that," O'Brien pressed. "This is man talk. You've got to give us the details!"

"I cannot," Data insisted. "I gave my word."

At that, Worf sat straighter against the fallen tree trunk, a glint of suspicion in his eye. He turned a questioning look to Data, who dodged his gaze in a way the Klingon found strikingly familiar. Worf knew with sudden, smug certainty that if he were to bet real money on which tough, blonde bridge officer the android had learned that expression from, he'd win.

Smirking slightly to himself, the Klingon sat back and continued to pick his teeth.

"This gets better and better!" Geordi crowed, positively beaming. "Not only does Data have a sweetheart, he's involved in a secret affair!"

"You are making unwarranted extrapolations, Geordi," Data said, his expression turning slightly desperate. "Please accept that I cannot and will not discuss this matter further. However," he said, firmly cutting off O'Brien's protest, "I may be able to intervene on the chief's behalf."

O'Brien frowned.

"What are you talking about?"

"From the description you provided, would I be correct in inferring that the woman you saw in the arboretum is civilian botanist Keiko Ishikawa?"

"Good grief, he really does know everything," O'Brien muttered. Louder, he said, "And if you were?"

"I know Ms. Ishikawa quite well," Data said. "In fact, just four days ago, I approved her initiative to set up a new bio research facility that could be used both for scientific work and as a lab for the ship's school children. I have since been working closely with her and her department head to ensure they are allotted the appropriate resources."

"How wonderful for you, sir," the chief grumbled, then almost choked on a sudden, terrible thought. "Oh God, you're not saying she's the woman—"

Data blinked rapidly. 

Worf smirked from the shadows.

"Not at all," the android was quick to assure the sputtering human. "It is just, if you are uncomfortable approaching Ms. Ishikawa yourself, I would be pleased to introduce you."

O'Brien shifted uncomfortably.

"Really? You'd…do that? For me?"

"Of course," Data said. "Unless you do not wish me to interfere."

"No! No, that would be great, sir. It's just…I can't believe this is real. I mean, what would I say to her?"

"'Hello' usually works," Geordi said, and smiled.

"Ha ha." O'Brien wrinkled his nose at the navigator. "Seriously, though, you haven't seen this woman. She's so…elegant, so delicate. Like her flowers. While I…" He frowned down at his large, square hands. "Why should she be interested in someone like me?"

Data cocked his head.

"Because you are a wild man untamed by coddling civilization?" he suggested.

Geordi laughed, and nudged the chief's arm.

"Yeah, that's right," he said. "How could she resist?"

"Hmm," Worf grunted his agreement, though his eyes remained on Data, as if he was starting to see something in the android he hadn't fully noticed before.

O'Brien nodded slowly, a hint of amusement creeping into his eyes.

"Yeah," he said, and straightened. "Yeah, you're right. What have I got to lose?"

"I am scheduled to meet with plant sciences tomorrow afternoon," Data said. "If you are free at 1500 hours, I could introduce you then."

"OK," O'Brien said, a strange, buzzing energy creeping up to fill his brain. "Yeah, that would be great. Thank you, sir." He smiled. "You're a good man."

"Damn right!" Geordi said, and grabbed the last of the marshmallows. "I say this calls for a toast. You guys still have those sticks from when we made the s'mores?"

The sticks were sticky with marshmallow residue and dirt, so Data snapped some new ones off the remaining walnut branches and the four men scooted closer to the fire.

"To Chief O'Brien," Geordi said, raising his impaled marshmallow high over the flames. "The mad ringleader of our crazy adventure!"

"O'Brien!" Worf and Data said, raising their impaled marshmallows to meet Geordi's.

O'Brien grinned and added his marshmallow to the group.

"To wild men," he said. "And the women who love 'em."

The men shared a wild roar and, for the first time in his experience, Data felt it entirely appropriate to join in. When the roaring ended, the men around him broke out laughing - not in mockery, but pride that he had joined in. As Data slapped hands with them, he became aware of a sense of what he could almost call wonder. 

This was something entirely new to him. For once, he was not acting to imitate, but because he knew he was a part of the group, of the firelight and the marshmallows, the kayaks and the river, and the shared experience of four friends camping out under the stars. And, even though the android was quite aware that their surroundings were no more than an elaborate technological illusion, Data himself had never felt more real.

~fin~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References include - TNG: Datalore, Brothers, Descent II, The Naked Now, Heart of Glory, Booby Trap, Transfigurations, The Measure of a Man (in which Riker removes Data's arm), The Icarus Factor, Hide and Q, Deja Q, Hero Worship, Peak Performance, Birthright I, Data's Day (in which Keiko chose Data to perform the role of Father of the Bride at her and Chief O'Brien's wedding because Data had introduced them), a few years of Girl Scouts (we had soda on our camping trip, not stout), the movie First Contact and the TNG novel Metamorphosis.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed my story! :)


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